wildestlogs | "I'd rather die than ask for help, except I don't want to die"

Entry tags:

"I'd rather die than ask for help, except I don't want to die"

Who: Elle and Dan
What: Elle taking up Dan's offer of first aid.
Where: Wherever they're making camp.
When: The same night the Faire was attacked.
Warnings/Notes: aftermath of violence, injury.

Once Elle makes sure the people she knows are safe and taken care of, she sheepishly sidles up to Dan.

To say she looks like shit is an understatement. They all look terrible, but Elle's once-nice clothes are in tatters and she's covered in dirt and ash. Her back is mostly covered in dried blood from her earlier injury.

"Hey," she says quietly, glancing around to make sure no one is paying particular attention to them.

"You got a minute?"

The expression on her face is a mixture of 'I would rather be doing literally else right now' and 'I am too exhausted to be as stubborn about things as I'd like to'.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He listens to her work through all these thoughts - these heavy, hardwon thoughts - as he finishes stitching up her back.

"Well, at least one of you has your head on right. I couldn't agree with you more on what a useless damn emotion guilt is. Guilt..."

Is hard to shed, but Dan really believed in identifying why emotions exist. Guilt is only useful when it's teaching you not to make the same mistake twice; after that, it's just a slick slope down into useless self-pity. And that hole of self-pity is cozy and comfortable and easy to live in for the rest of your life.

The easiest time in the world for Dan to slip into guilt was after Ellie died, because there was no one he could easily identify as bearing the brunt of his self-pity, so he could just stay in that dark, drunk, sad little hole until the powers that be plucked him out of his filthy sleeping bag in his stolen car.

"Guilt's only useful so long as it's teaching you." He's glad that she has such a measured view on something as horrible as watching her brother murdered. "Sounds like Isaac might could not even be seeing how much you're protecting and caring for him."

He sits back, letting her feel that he's done working on her back. "Well, let me take a look, and then if you need anyone to do touchups without telling everyone you got some wounds healing slow, just let me know."

"He definitely doesn't. Marcus and I, we do our best, but...

"He just doesn't get it. Some people's brains just aren't hardwired to adjust like that, I guess."

Elle stretches just a little bit to adjust to the feeling of the stitches.

"I can't imagine that I don't look like hell from where you're sitting," she says as she moves to put the deeper woulds on her left arm closer to him. "I really appreciate it. I know you offered, but still. It's, uh, I know it's not pretty, and I know it definitely isn't an easy thing to do for someone, no matter how much you want to."

She's had to patch up people she cares about a few times, herself. It's always a harrowing experience.

"Yeah." Dan does get it. He's told Bunny that a few times: my brain just ain't wired right. It feels terrible, feeling so much like you know what the right way to think is and yet unable to click into it, interpreting shadows as threats.

He smiles and lets her get her arm in a comfortable position before he starts cleaning out the injuries. "You're a pleasure as a patient. I've stitched folks up who were flailing around hitting me in the face or spitting blood at me. You're more than downright easy."

He likes to be useful. He likes to help other people with their problems so he can put off dealing with his, the same way people will fervently clean their kitchens when they have an office deadline.

"You do look pretty beat up, though. Do you have anyone here you can rely on, who can at least help you carry your things and keep watch so you can rest deep?"

"Believe me, this is nothing. I've, uh, dealt with a hell of a lot worse than some minor cuts."

Okay, they're definitely not minor cuts, but compared to some of the other stuff she's been through, they might as well be.

Seeing the exposed muscles of her torso. Watching and feeling her skin regrow, inch by agonizing inch.

The memories of pain are still too close to the surface, but she tries to let it all wash past her without getting dragged under.

"Yeah, I know a couple of people here. There's this girl, Stacia, I know her from back home. This version of her doesn't know me, yet, which is pretty weird. But I trust her.

"At this point I don't know if sleeping is on the table for me, at least until I've healed a bit more. I'll probably keep watch so others can get some rest and take a power nap in the morning."

Is Elle exhausted? Absolutely, but she's also wired that she can't imagine trying to sleep right now. Someone needs to keep watch, anyway.

"Oh, I'm sure. But the fact that you done dealt with worse don't mean that these ain't some nasty cuts."

He takes a drink from his flask and starts to washing out the debris in her arm from his waterskin. "I know Stacia. Me and her met on the Rig she was kidnapped to all that time back."

He cares deeply for her, and since he adopted the last girl he developed a parental relationship with, he's also scared of getting much closer to Stacia. It's in his instincts to try and caretake and protect, but it runs against his interest in shielding his heart from harm.

"If you need someone to keep watch, I'm naturally nocturnal, and I'm getting enough sleep since my husband and me can swap watch shifts." He starts stitching her arm. "Wish I could offer you something for the pain."

Elle notices his drinking, but doesn't say anything. It's not like she can blame him, with the night they all had.

"I'll probably take you up on the offer, one of these nights. I think I'm too wired to even get to sleep right now, though."

Dan expressing a desire for an anesthetic warms her heart. She's feeling better and better about making the call to come to him for help.

"Probably wouldn't do much, anyway. I tend to metabolize shit faster than it can affect me."

"That seems like a lousy side effect of an enhanced healing factor." Dan gives a grim chuckle. "I'd share the whiskey with you, but whatever magic enchanted this flask meant it only for me. Plus, I hear cotton candy liquor is an acquired taste."

Dan likes things so sweet that they start boring holes in his teeth. He has no idea that your mouth isn't supposed to hurt when you eat.

"Makes me fun at parties, though," Elle laughs as well. It's much lighter than Dan's, in both emotion and tone. "I can't tell if that sounds great or absolutely fucking awful."

She scrunches up her face as she tries to imagine it. Whiskey and cotton candy... Yeah, she can't picture those going particularly well together.

"Eh, that depends. People say I'm fun at parties, too, and it depends on the person whether that's a compliment or not." Dan grins and takes another drink, then packs his flask away.

"Alright, well. Where are you spending the night tonight? I'm trying to get the lay of who's where."

"I'll probably be wandering the perimeter between the forest and the camp. Like I said, I'm too keyed up to get much rest tonight."

What Elle doesn't say is "There's an empty hole in my mind where my pack should be and I don't know if I can sleep without being able to feel them. I'm probably hurting too much to be able to lay down, and if I close my eyes all I'm going to see is my brother's dismembered body."

"I don't never sleep before five a.m. if I can help it, so we might could run into each other while pulling watch."

She doesn't need to say it; it's basically the same thing going through Dan's head. He slept in a van, cramped up with his siblings, for years as they got picked off one by one. It was fifteen, twenty years ago. He still feels that empty hole, still wakes up sometimes and thinks Kitty must have stepped out for a smoke or Zack's probably off getting us another can of gas before he remembers where he is. And he never goes to sleep easy, even if it's easier now that he's married and can drift off in someone's arms.

"You tell anyone else who needs stitching that they can come to me, alright?"

"I promise not to maul you by accident if I see you wandering around," she jokes.

Elle stands up and shakes out her limbs. She's feeling a little stiff from sitting in the same position for so long.

"I'll let them know," she assures him. She almost starts to walk away, but pauses.

"Thank you, again. I get the feeling you would do this for anyone who needs it, especially if they asked, but I still appreciate it. I like to think I'm a good judge of character, and I'm glad I trusted you."

She tries to put as much gentle, genuine appreciation in her voice as she thinks he'll be able to handle. There's a reason she makes it about herself at the end, there, and it's because she doesn't think Dan is someone who lets himself take compliments.

"I'm glad that I didn't give you no reason to regret that trust," he says to her, smiling as he gets to his feet - gingerly, like his back's really hurting him - and gives her a little wave. "See you around, Elle."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I'd rather die than ask for help, except I don't want to die"

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: semi-graphic depiction of injury

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject