The Straw That Breaks The Cat's Back

[millenyal_pink]

Who: Elle & whoever wants to find her
What: Finally reaching the end of her rope.
Where: Rivendell
When: Day two of being inside the walls
Warnings: Panic attacks, mental breakdowns.


They’re safe.

They don’t need to find their own food water, or shelter anymore. The injured parties are being taken care of. By all accounts, things are the best they’ve been since the group got stuck here in the first place.

Which leaves Elle in a weird place. She’s full of anxious energy and the need to do something. It won’t go away. But they can’t meet with the Green, Elrond is still healing the injured, and there’s no crisis to manage at the moment.

Sometimes Elle pats herself on the back for being relatively well-adjusted. Then times like this come where she can’t handle any amount of downtime and she remembers that she really is incredibly dysfunctional.

On their second day of being actually inside Rivendell she goes through her supplies and catches an all too familiar scent. Her breath stutters and her heart pounds in her ears as she instinctually looks around— but no. The smell is coming from a sprig of Athelas she had put in her belt pouch.

She brings the leaves up to her nose, inhales deeply, and tries not to cry. This has been the longest she’s gone without her pack in… well, since they formed. Every instinctual tug on their pack link is met with an empty silence. But she hasn’t truly sat down and tried to connect, yet. There hasn’t been time.

So maybe…

It’s probably a bad idea, but Elle doesn’t have anything to do with herself and her heart is aching. She wants to be with her pack— her family. Marcus’ scent is overwhelming her senses but he’s not even here.

So Elle finds herself a quiet, hidden-away corner, sits down, and delves deep into her own mind.

She isn’t sure how long it takes. She goes into a semi-meditative state. She’s only just barely aware of her physical form as she’s focused inward, focused on the parts of herself that haven’t known true loneliness in years. On the parts of herself that are bound to the people she holds dearest in the world.

She doesn’t just tug on her pack link, she follows that mental thread as far as it will take her. She's just hoping to find something-- anything. The smallest glimmer of connection that she can hold onto until she gets home.







Then the thread snaps.






Elle barely notices as she’s wrenched back into her body with a gasp. The only thing she can think or feel is alone alone alone alone alonealonealonealonealone—

They’re gone. They're gone.

Dread and fear and grief and nausea fill her gut as sobs wrack through her body. Where before it was an aching absence in the back of her mind, it’s now a painful wound. It feels like a part of her is missing. Like the pain of a phantom limb.

She loses awareness of her surroundings as her whole being focuses on the emptiness inside of her head.

This world doesn’t have the same magic she’s used to. It wasn’t built to sustain things like her. The combination of spirit and flesh aren’t natural to this place, and she can feel it warring inside of her as her spirit tries to connect to something that isn’t there.

She so removed from herself that she barely registers her own quiet screams of grief and pain.

Comments

[millenyal_pink]

She does begin to subconsciously match his breathing, which does wonders for helping her calm, even a little.

She manages to reconnect with reality enough to know who's in front of her and hear what he's saying.

"No--" she chokes out. She doesn't want anyone else to see her like this. It's bad enough literally anyone is, much less Price, but she'd prefer if it ended there.

[myagents]

"You need help, you can't be left alone." he hints a smile, still breathing slowly "It will be alright. Who would you like me to call?"

He hopes that at least it's clear that by offering to call someone else he's trying to put at more ease instead of forcing her to go through this when having him by her side all the time.

[millenyal_pink]

Don't leave me alone she wants to beg. Don't call anyone.

"Don't--" is all she's able to force out. "Don't."

She's not in full control of her body, but she is beginning to come back to herself. Her attack will be over soon and getting someone to help is just a waste of time.

[myagents]

"Alright."

Very reluctantly, he reaches for her hand, his own grip being extremely limp so that she can remove herself from that contact if she wants.

"It will be over soon. Breathe slowly." he emphasizes the slow breaths to keep her going along "Very good."

[millenyal_pink]

Oh. Oh she wasn't expecting this.

It almost shocks her out of her panic. She looks down at her hand in his, more than a little surprised, but doesn't pull away. She gives it a gentle squeeze.

Elle follows his breaths and begins to calm.

She's not 100% back yet, but she's present enough to be able to speak.

"Thank you," she says sincerely. Her voice is a little hoarse and she can't quite force herself to make eye contact.

[myagents]

Price obviously doesn't know how to react to the thanks, eventually he decides to take it as proof that Elle is not quite rational yet. He stays by her side, breathing slowly, watching over her.

"Are you feeling a little better?"

[millenyal_pink]

What a loaded question. More stable? Yes. Better... jury's still out.

But she figures that's close enough and nods.

"Yeah," she says quietly. "You helped."

She feels like it's important to acknowledge that.

[myagents]

"No." he mumbles immediately, without even thinking of saying it first.

He glances away.

"What do you need right now?"

[millenyal_pink]

Wow. Someone has self-esteem issues.

"Time," is the only answer she can give him.

She'll survive this, the pain will fade, but it'll take time.

"And yes, you did. I would still be in the middle of a panic attack if you hadn't helped. You could've walked away. You didn't."

She isn't trying to make any moral judgements, just stating facts. He was there and he helped her. She doesn't know or care for his motivations in this moment. She isn't trying to accuse or absolve him of anything. She's just saying aloud what happened.

[myagents]

Not knowing what to say, Price decides that eventually an acknowledging nod is a safe enough response.

"I will get you some water, now." he gets back up "If you are prone to anxiety and panic attacks, dehydration might worsen your condition, so I advise you to always have available water at hand."

[millenyal_pink]

Elle'll take it, for now. It's not rejection or denial, so it's a start.

"That's a good idea," she agrees. "This doesn't happen very often, but circumstances being what they are..."

She trails off, not sure how to finish that sentence.

Unusual? Chaotic? Anxiety-inducing? Any and all would fit.

[myagents]

"That is understadable." he gives her a soft smile, she doesn't need to think about it just to finish her sentence "I'll be right back."

He walks away and comes back with a water canteen.

"Here."

[millenyal_pink]

"Thanks," her voice is raspy and she's still not up to making eye contact when she grabs the offered canteen and takes small sips. Drinking too much at once could just make her feel worse, if she's not careful.

After a moment of hydration, she turns toward Price. "Got a lot of experience dealing with panic attacks?"

She's genuinely curious. He stayed calmed, knew what to do, and respected her boundaries. That's better than a lot of well-meaning people. (Which isn't to say that Price isn't well-meaning, but she's not sure right now.)

[myagents]

"Yes, I suppose."

He doesn't see fit to talk about his patients or his own experiences with anxiety. Actually, the less he talks, the better.

"You might want to refrain from exerting too much physical effort. The aftermath of panic attacks can include many symptoms, including numbness in your limbs."

[millenyal_pink]

What a wonderful non-answer

Elle nods. "I'll just... sit here for a minute."

Though, now that she's back in her body, the stone isn't particularly comfortable.

On a whim, she shifts into Feline (a fully grown, slightly larger-than-average mountain lion) and makes herself comfortable. She's now laying in the corner and facing the rest of the room. There's no aggression in her stance.

She doesn't really want to be left alone right now, but she won't ask Price to stay. He looks as uncomfortable as she feels with this whole situation.

[myagents]

Price tilts his had, there is something about that transformation that makes him feel some type of awe. He liked watching documentaries as a child, and certainly didn't think he was ever going to see a mountain lion in real life. He sits next to Elle, and observes her fondly.

He thinks about it for a moment, he concludes that if she was alright with him holding her hand maybe he can pet her. Reluctantly, he brushes a hand on her head.

[millenyal_pink]

Elle had a theory that, with how much comfort Price seemed to get from petting Concrete Blonde, he might feel more comfortable in her Feline form.

She watches him reach out and holds herself still, not moving when he touches her.

As he begins to pet her, she only shifts slightly to allow him a better angle for his hand so that his wrist won't cramp up. She isn't settled enough to purr (she could force it, but she honestly doesn't feel like spending the emotional energy) but she does let out a huff of approval.

It's kind of sad how he feels safer with a deadly animal than around a teen girl. Understandable, maybe even reasonable, but still sad.

[myagents]

Relieved to see her huff, he gives her little scritches next to her ears. She's so soft! Price loves animals, and thinks it's sad that he had to kill some for practice back in the day as a kid.

He doesn't say anything and just keeps petting her.

[millenyal_pink]

Elle isn't relaxed enough, or trusting enough, to fall asleep with Price sitting next to hear but she does allow herself to rest. Her lack of movement and closed eyes may make Price may mistake her for being asleep, though (rest assured, she is still on high alert. She doesn't need to see to be aware of her surroundings).

The pets and the company are appreciated. The fact that it's Price makes things a little more complicated, but so far he's acted just fine. This is proof of concept: Price is capable of modeling positive social behaviors, even with people he isn't particularly fond of.

[myagents]

That Price is capable of positive behaviours was never a secret. Anyone that witnessed him in Project Freelancer or even on the Rig at beginning know this. The reckless and unhinged behaviour was this ugly secret under the squeaky clean facade, the monster that ruptured through the soft pretty face and everyone hates to look at. It has always been there, just like the good traits, but now that this is showing the good bits are not acknowledged, are not given the chance. Truth is that even when masking he's 'suspicious' for holding back, it's a battle he can never win.

"I wish I could shapeshift like that too."

He comments off-handedly as he keeps petting Elle in feline form. It sounds silly and out of the blue, but there is a world behind those words. He knows that, and wants to communicate it, although vaguely.

[millenyal_pink]

Elle doesn't respond because, well, she can't. But she does twitch her ears in his direction to let him know she's listening.

She knows he's capable of kindness, she just wasn't sure if it's something he did without a specific motivation to do so. For all his discomfort, helping her was his natural response. He probably debated with himself as whether he should, for various rational and irrational reasons, but he still did it. That means something in Elle's book.

[myagents]

Price is secretly tempted to hug her and cuddle with her like she's a big stuffed animal, but that would be inappropriate.

"Alright, let me know if you need something else." he gets up and turns around to look at her once he reaches the door, he would like to stay more, but it's better to keep it short if he doesn't want to mess anything up "See you later, miss Bryant."

[millenyal_pink]

Elle wouldn't mind if he stayed, but she isn't going to do anything to stop him from walking away. This was a positive interaction and if he wants to end it here, that's okay with her.

At least now she knows his weakness. Who would've thought he liked animals that much?