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wildestlogs2022-02-14 09:41 am
millenyal_pink) wrote in wildestlogs2022-02-14 09:41 am
Entry tags:
The Straw That Breaks The Cat's Back
Who: Elle & whoever wants to find her
What: Finally reaching the end of her rope.
Where: Rivendell
When: Day two of being inside the walls
Warnings: Panic attacks, mental breakdowns.
They’re safe.
They don’t need to find their own food water, or shelter anymore. The injured parties are being taken care of. By all accounts, things are the best they’ve been since the group got stuck here in the first place.
Which leaves Elle in a weird place. She’s full of anxious energy and the need to do something. It won’t go away. But they can’t meet with the Green, Elrond is still healing the injured, and there’s no crisis to manage at the moment.
Sometimes Elle pats herself on the back for being relatively well-adjusted. Then times like this come where she can’t handle any amount of downtime and she remembers that she really is incredibly dysfunctional.
On their second day of being actually inside Rivendell she goes through her supplies and catches an all too familiar scent. Her breath stutters and her heart pounds in her ears as she instinctually looks around— but no. The smell is coming from a sprig of Athelas she had put in her belt pouch.
She brings the leaves up to her nose, inhales deeply, and tries not to cry. This has been the longest she’s gone without her pack in… well, since they formed. Every instinctual tug on their pack link is met with an empty silence. But she hasn’t truly sat down and tried to connect, yet. There hasn’t been time.
So maybe…
It’s probably a bad idea, but Elle doesn’t have anything to do with herself and her heart is aching. She wants to be with her pack— her family. Marcus’ scent is overwhelming her senses but he’s not even here.
So Elle finds herself a quiet, hidden-away corner, sits down, and delves deep into her own mind.
She isn’t sure how long it takes. She goes into a semi-meditative state. She’s only just barely aware of her physical form as she’s focused inward, focused on the parts of herself that haven’t known true loneliness in years. On the parts of herself that are bound to the people she holds dearest in the world.
She doesn’t just tug on her pack link, she follows that mental thread as far as it will take her. She's just hoping to find something-- anything. The smallest glimmer of connection that she can hold onto until she gets home.
Then the thread snaps.
Elle barely notices as she’s wrenched back into her body with a gasp. The only thing she can think or feel is alone alone alone alone alonealonealonealonealone—
They’re gone. They're gone.
Dread and fear and grief and nausea fill her gut as sobs wrack through her body. Where before it was an aching absence in the back of her mind, it’s now a painful wound. It feels like a part of her is missing. Like the pain of a phantom limb.
She loses awareness of her surroundings as her whole being focuses on the emptiness inside of her head.
This world doesn’t have the same magic she’s used to. It wasn’t built to sustain things like her. The combination of spirit and flesh aren’t natural to this place, and she can feel it warring inside of her as her spirit tries to connect to something that isn’t there.
She so removed from herself that she barely registers her own quiet screams of grief and pain.
What: Finally reaching the end of her rope.
Where: Rivendell
When: Day two of being inside the walls
Warnings: Panic attacks, mental breakdowns.
They’re safe.
They don’t need to find their own food water, or shelter anymore. The injured parties are being taken care of. By all accounts, things are the best they’ve been since the group got stuck here in the first place.
Which leaves Elle in a weird place. She’s full of anxious energy and the need to do something. It won’t go away. But they can’t meet with the Green, Elrond is still healing the injured, and there’s no crisis to manage at the moment.
Sometimes Elle pats herself on the back for being relatively well-adjusted. Then times like this come where she can’t handle any amount of downtime and she remembers that she really is incredibly dysfunctional.
On their second day of being actually inside Rivendell she goes through her supplies and catches an all too familiar scent. Her breath stutters and her heart pounds in her ears as she instinctually looks around— but no. The smell is coming from a sprig of Athelas she had put in her belt pouch.
She brings the leaves up to her nose, inhales deeply, and tries not to cry. This has been the longest she’s gone without her pack in… well, since they formed. Every instinctual tug on their pack link is met with an empty silence. But she hasn’t truly sat down and tried to connect, yet. There hasn’t been time.
So maybe…
It’s probably a bad idea, but Elle doesn’t have anything to do with herself and her heart is aching. She wants to be with her pack— her family. Marcus’ scent is overwhelming her senses but he’s not even here.
So Elle finds herself a quiet, hidden-away corner, sits down, and delves deep into her own mind.
She isn’t sure how long it takes. She goes into a semi-meditative state. She’s only just barely aware of her physical form as she’s focused inward, focused on the parts of herself that haven’t known true loneliness in years. On the parts of herself that are bound to the people she holds dearest in the world.
She doesn’t just tug on her pack link, she follows that mental thread as far as it will take her. She's just hoping to find something-- anything. The smallest glimmer of connection that she can hold onto until she gets home.
Then the thread snaps.
Elle barely notices as she’s wrenched back into her body with a gasp. The only thing she can think or feel is alone alone alone alone alonealonealonealonealone—
They’re gone. They're gone.
Dread and fear and grief and nausea fill her gut as sobs wrack through her body. Where before it was an aching absence in the back of her mind, it’s now a painful wound. It feels like a part of her is missing. Like the pain of a phantom limb.
She loses awareness of her surroundings as her whole being focuses on the emptiness inside of her head.
This world doesn’t have the same magic she’s used to. It wasn’t built to sustain things like her. The combination of spirit and flesh aren’t natural to this place, and she can feel it warring inside of her as her spirit tries to connect to something that isn’t there.
She so removed from herself that she barely registers her own quiet screams of grief and pain.
no subject
There's not anyone between them and the clump of bushes she picked, thank goodness. Hopefully no one shows up before Elle gets there.
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She tears off, leaving the thing that was restraining her behind.
It takes mere moments for her to sprint over to them, and when she gets there she dives headfirst into them and curls herself into as small of a ball possible.
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She's hit with a wave of exhaustion as she comes out of the frenzy. Her transformation back to her breed form is abrupt and inelegant. And now she's naked in a bush, which isn't the idea situation to be in.
"Fuck."
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"Thank, Stacia," she croaks out as the wolf approaches. She tiredly throws out an arm for Stacia to press herself against for her much deserved pets. She would be more active about it but she's fucking exhausted and her bones hurt.
"I owe you one."
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She is so happy to have Direct the Storm back. Sure there are other gifts that have wider and more varied uses, but this one is good to have in her pocket.
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"When you first got stuck on the Rig... how'd you manage being separated from your pack?"
Elle's showing a little bit of her hand here. Even Isaac, who's as close to a wolf as a cat can get, doesn't depend on his pack as much as she does. She guesses that some instincts transcend species.
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"I mean, right off the bat, I Frenzied for the first time since my First Change," she says. "It was a combo-platter of things, but not being able to feel Ace certainly didn't help. After that, I pretty much did what I always do: had a little pity party and then tried to focus on the shit I could do something about."
Stacia is a big fan of feeling her feelings when they rise up. She may have a reputation of being mouthy and short-tempered as a result, but at least they don't build up inside her into explosive pressure.
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"I, I don't--" she cuts herself off before she stumbles on her words and tries again.
"I don't know how to do this without them," she says quietly. It feels something between a confession and an admittance of guilt.
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"Without your packmates, specifically," she asks slowly, "or without a pack in general?"
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"Packmates." Packmate, if she's being brutally honest. She hasn't really needed Isaac for a while now.
"I know it seems weird," but she doesn't offer anything more than that.
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"I'm sorry you're going through this without your pack to support you. It sucks. I wouldn't wish it on...well, there's a few people I'd wish it on because I'm a petty bitch, but you've yet to become one of them." She sighs. "Best advice I can offer is to talk to people. It's not the same, obviously, not anywhere close, but at least you don't feel so completely alone. Bunny's good at it, I've filled him in on a few things about Garou since he's a nature spirit, and we're both young enough that he's inclined to think of us as kids. He gives good hugs."
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"I've just had them since the beginning, you know? We have a system and it works. I'm not used to working without it."
See? There are practical and non-emotional reasons she wants her pack, too.
"Yeah. Talking to people-- that's a good idea. I'm not used to staying in one place for a super long time, so it's a good idea to put down some roots. We tend to jump from thing to thing."
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She shifts her weight, pursing her lips. "Maybe incorporate a bit more running into your daily routine? I know the endorphins help regulate my stress levels."
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"That's probably a good idea. Something to keep it from getting this bad again, at least."
Where's a Shadow Lord Ragabash when she needs one?
Wait...
Where's Elle's Shadow Lord Ragabash when she needs one?
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Ending up sitting naked in the bushes because you destroyed your clothes is just a big mood for all Gaia's children.
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She's really fucking good at that, but it's been a few weeks since she trained properly. She should get back into that.
"We should set up training areas and routines and stuff. Especially for the folks who don't have combat experience. Even if their best bet is to GTFO the moment shit goes down, they still should. know how to defend themselves."
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