wildestlogs | MEMORY SHARE ※ 1

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MEMORY SHARE ※ 1

MEMORY SHARE

It's during a pause in their day. A nap. An idle moment looking out from the gardens at the landscape passing by below. Taking a moment to catch their breath after a jog in one of the castle's larger magic rooms.

The squad is suddenly connected. Mental pathways locking together, they're forced into one another's innermost beings. Thrust into one another's memory palaces where the mind collects and stores everything that makes them who they are. The core of their beings are only a few steps away and no one can prevent the link.

To make matters worse, it comes with no explanation or no ability to pull out and stop. Once they're through the first memory, perhaps they can find a way out, but they're already witnessing some event from their host's past. And, if they left, who knows whether or not they'd end up accidentally invading another memory palace?

And if they were there, who was in theirs?

[ooc: So, how this works: the memories can either be viewed in spectator mode or the guest can be experiencing everything themselves. The person whose memories are being shown, the host, can watch as their current self or take the form they had of their past self. They can also be invisible until the memory is finished. They can talk about the memory with the "guest" that's visiting.

They cannot control the first memory shown, the player decides that, but they can sometimes control any other memories they'd like to show people after. Of course, there's also always the option of an extreme emotional reaction bringing up other memories unbidden.]

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"While I wouldn't have minded waiting, the Director felt that being able to act rapidly took priority."

His expression is blank, he doesn't want to acknowledge the ways the Director has mistreated him, not in front of the agents. He is perfectly aware that what they wanted to do - hell, even the little part that they managed to do - was worth it.

Besides, the Director liked him back, he just had a peculiar way of showing it.

"Acting rapidly the way you did could have led the Covenant to Earth, to countless colonies, if we'd ever been in the field with a damn fragment and come across them! Every corner you cut did more to potentially damage the war effort than it did to help it! God you are infuriating."

She drags her hands over her face. Breathes.

"The Director was wrong. How can you not at least see that? Look at where the things he did, had you do, led us all!"

"I can see it now, but..." he mumbles "He knew better than I did."

Two birds with one stone: getting to still worship the Director and deflecting blame. Price's favourite things to do ever since he got caught.

"He very specifically did not! He very specifically did not know better than anyone, or if he did, he damn well made sure he was making the wrong choices anyway! Even if you thought he did, you don't just..."

Ugh he drives her insane, utterly, utterly insane. And she's stuck in this stupid memory thing with him.

"I can't deal with you. I just can't. You strip yourself of agency to excuse the things you did. You idolise a man who did just about everything wrong he could possibly have done wrong. Have you even been avoiding me for any reason other than knowing I will walk away when I can? Or shout at you if I can't?"

Or literally shout for Stacia. That's also an option. But she's not outing that Stacia's her backup here, thanks.

"You said you wanted to be left alone."

He feels so lost, it's like no matter what he does, they going to tell him it's the wrong thing to do.

"The other agents have rejected my help and my apologies, and based on that instance when you almost stabbed me I assumed that that would be the case for you as well. Also, Rowena seems to have disappeared, but...I believe I was right to warn you about her. I wanted to protect you."

Because he cares about his agents, whether they hate him or not. If mistreating him with threats or physical assault was the line, he would have never had any relationship of any type with anyone.

"Oh, so suddenly you respect a boundary I set? Just like that? No ulterior motives, reasons, anything?"

She can't really believe that. Respecting 'his agents' boundaries is hardly something there's precedent for, in her eyes.

"And yeah, I don't need your help. And you can apologise all that you like, you can even mean it! But apologising doesn't— it doesn't mean someone has to forgive you, Price, or even just accept it. Some hurts you don't get to say sorry for and then expect everything to be okay, or how it was before. Hell, with you there is no before. My entire time knowing you has been you using your power over me and my friends to play with our heads."

"I'm sorry, I don't understand what you want me to do."

He maintains a neutral expression. The logic behind that statement does make at least a bit of sense, but even if it didn't he still couldn't argue with it.

"And while you are entitled to feel how you want, to decide not to forgive the Director, I forgive him."

If only because he has no one else to hold onto. Doesn't matter that a part of him wishes he could kill the Director with his own hands, rightfully so, he still loves him like family. All Project Freelancer is family.

"You can feel whatever you want, Price. I can't stop you. I can't talk sense into you. I don't even really want to."

She doesn't want him dead. She doesn't want him completely ostracized from the group. She's given the others the info they need to do whatever they want to do for a reason. But...

"The only reason I don't regret joining Project Freelancer that day is that I did find people I cared about, in the other agents, and because if I hadn't been there, who knows how long it would have taken all the people you had on a leash to turn against you."

He is not her responsibility. No matter how much a part of her still screams that he is, that this is her mess to finish cleaning up.

"Well, then." Price attempts a fake smile but his face looks blank instead "I am glad to hear you got something positive out of this experience."

"Are you? Or are you still just bothered by the fact I don't see it all the way you do? That I don't see us as family?"

Her expression is hard. Her tone's even. She has to stop letting him rattle her. She has to.

"Those feelings could technically coexist, you know."

It's not a real answer, then again she's going out of her way to remind him that they never were a family, and that's just not true. In some measure, they were, although not the healthiest. While he may have disagreed when he was a child, an unhealthy family is still better than none.

Besides, it doesn't matter what CT thinks, Price loves her, the Director, and the other agents. That is a fact.

"Technically."

No, it's not a real answer. And yes, she's going out of her way to remind him, because she stands by everything she said before: he doesn't get to claim her, them, as family, when they don't feel the same way about him.

It's then that she can feel the memoryscape latching onto something and trying to shift, and Price might catch the flash of what looks like a ballroom before she wrenches it around to— something else, anything else, even if she can't get it to stay away from her Svelte memories there has to be something that isn't so goddamned personal as her dancing with Coda, and—

They start in an apartment, where CT and Wash have clearly just been having an emotional talk. But before long they progress to Trojan Housewares, an IKEA like place that her and her little family lived in the display rooms of, and to Wash helping CT try to get over her trauma around her armour.

Price's emotions bounce back and forth between caution and fondness. CT is traumatized, but Washington is with her all the way through. There are mentions of Carolina, but it's probably another version. Washington doesn't seem to be the same he met on the Rig.

It doesn't matter what she says, it's undeniable that they are a family. It just happens to be yet another family where everybody wants him gone, but it's alright. He smiles fondly.

"It's nice to see you happy. I like to see agents succeed."

Even if he wishes they weren't against him.

"I wish events shaped up differently, but I am proud of you."

He means it.

CT covers her face, breathing deep, and though it’s hardly hiding how bothered she is by him seeing this it’s at least not a worse reaction. She hates this, that the memoryscape can latch onto things, that she only has the barest of control.

She’s just glad he doesn’t immediately hone in on the mentions of Coda, of Gil, of anyone from her group there.

“Right, you wish ‘events shaped up differently’—you two didn’t have to send Texas to kill me, you didn’t have to do anything you did the way you did. I was happy in spite of everything you— you—”

Deep breath. Deep breath. She was happy there. She’s not happy here. She doesn’t know how to be happy here.

Price decides to opt for a shrug.

"Alright."

He sounds almost distracted. Just because doesn't want his love it doesn't mean that it's not there, especially given how hard it is for him to manufacture them, to manufacture himself to be what people need him to be.

Sometimes him barely saying anything is actually worse. The way the silence hangs is awkward. It leaves her far too much room to get wrapped up in her own head and it's hard to try and wrangle the memory, to keep it from progressing past this point so he doesn't get to see her with Coda.

"That's all you got, now, huh? You got people killed, and worse, and you just don't care."

"Of course I care." he replies with the most hilariously blank tone "However you made it aboundantly clear that there is nothing I can do about it."

If people are going to have absurd demands, they need to make up their mind at least.

"I am afraid I don't understand what you want me to say."

Edited 2022-04-20 09:02 (UTC)

“You say you care, you might even think it, but whatever definition you have it’s not what I’m using. I don’t want you to care about me, or any agent, not like you claim you do, I want you to care about the consequences of your goddamn actions. But all you do is excuse them. Over and over and over again.”

His apologies fall flat for multiple reasons that she’s already tried to explain, but the way he just keeps giving goddamn excuses, the way he still thinks the things they did were only wrong because they didn’t go as planned… ugh.

"The definition of caring is to feel or show kindness and concern towards others." Price sounds, once again, like he is reading the dictionary out loud "While the definitions of love are a deep feeling of affection and also a great interest or pleasure in something or someone."

Beat. Price blinks.

"I believed that going out of my way to channel them through working towards the success of our operation was the most appropriate way to convey these feelings."

He sees her point, but it's-- it's hard to explain. Does she really think that he would study people and become nothing if he didn't care?

"Oh, my god, do you— another dictionary definition. Is that really the only way you—"

God, it is, isn't it. Once was one thing, twice is... it's not quite 'three times is a pattern', but it's close enough. Defining concepts like this as if the dictionary is the only way you're capable of conceptualising them at all...

"I'm not even going to try and explain, again, how you don't hurt people on purpose and claim you did it because you care about them, because I don't think I can make you understand that."

She's just not the person to actually get through to him, she can't keep her cool long enough, she just can't.

"But there's more than one definition of care, even if I took you at face value and believed you on that one? You still clearly don't give a damn about anything but your own view of what happened. You just keep making excuses and justifications and never really examine and accept it. If you can't even do that..."

She shakes her head. This situation needs handling, no matter what, but every conversation she's been forced to have with him just gives her no hope that anything will change. She's biased, she knows it, but no matter what, these conversations are never going to be truly productive with just them involved.

"I can't be the one who just keeps having to hear excuses as to why the things you did to me and my friends were justifiable. I can't. We're doomed to go around and around in circles."

"I do understand your reasons to be upset, and I do understand the reasonings you made for you to formulate that sentiment." Price replies completely blankly "What you want me to do is to feel guilt, which I am physically unable to do, rather than something I refuse to do out of pettiness. What I am physically able to do is trying to provide assistance, apologize, and give you space. Meaning I have done everything that was in my power."

He is not putting his foot down in any way whatsoever, just stating a fact. This is the most assertive he has sounded in a while despite sounding calm.

"Stop justifying your actions to my face. That's within your damn power."

She doesn't... know what to do with the rest, though it doesn't go in one ear and out the other, it does settle in her head. Physically unable to feel guilt. Right. They really are doomed to go in circles.

"I am not sure how acting as if my choices had no reasoning or explanation behind them would make you feel better."

Cognitive empathy is a thing that he has trained, to an extent, but this demand just sounds backwards to him.

"I do acknowledge that my motivations or explanations do not diminish the perceived pain and damage on your part, if that is what you are asking."

Just because Connecticut is entitled to her bitching it doesn't mean that she is an exception. Everyone is expendable and an available sacrifice for the good of the collective. Any authority figure Price has met has been very adamant on teaching him this lesson.

Edited 2022-04-28 10:15 (UTC)

"I don't need to hear it, that's the point. And—" She cuts herself off, shakes her head. "No, I'm not even going to..."

Perceived pain and damage. What a choice of words. Like it's not real. God, she hates him. She really fucking hates him. She doesn't even need him to feel guilt, she just needs him to stop being like— this, but so long as it's her and him, it's never going to change. He'll never even see his actions as objectively wrong, guilt aside. And she just can't deal with him, even so much as she's forced to, if that's how it's going to be.

"Whatever. I give up. Just— keep staying the fuck away from me."

"Alright." Price can't help but look put out. He's not surprised, but he's still disappointed. He watches the memoryscape warp to fit one of his memories again.

"I made you some coffee, sir."

"Good."

The Director snatches the mug out of Price's hand without even looking at him, eyes glued to the lines of code on the screen. The fact that he doesn't move an inch is his way to order him to leave, yet Price doesn't.

"You should get some rest."

"The work is not going to complete itself, Counselor."

"Sleep deprivation will affect your performance, and you will be forced to redo the same task multiple times."

The Director takes a sip and scoffs lightly "You have a response ready for everything, don't you?"

"I do my best." he smiles softly, but the Director is not amused enough to entertain a conversation "Director, please..."

"Ugh." he throws his head back for a second and then turns to glare at Price, those intense green eyes have always made him feel tingly in some sort of way "Shouldn't you be finding something to do instead of bothering me?"

"Well--"

"GO. AWAY." he commands coldly, putting a wall between them as always.

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do for y--"

"I SAID GO AWAY!" he yells, throwing the still full cup in Price's direction (he seems to do that a lot). It doesn't hit him and it shatters onto the floor, Price is startled and instinctively makes himself smaller. During these moments with him the submission is real, his boss is the type of person he would have been afraid of as a child. The fact that he always speaks so highly of him is definitely hilarious, although mostly unfortunate.

The Director seethes and a sob escapes his mouth. He clenches his fists, emits a choked noise.

"Director, are you alright?"

"I'm fine." he presses his lips, holding back tears, then scratches his forearm. He thinks it's nothing but Price notices, Price watches everything, Price remembers. Fondly.

"Are your cuts infected?"

The Director freezes "...What?"

"You seem to have relapsed into self-harming. You must tend to your scars carefully, otherwise you might--"

"Don't patronize me."

He scowls, probably expecting some insistence. Price's façade of perfection is unnerving not only to his surbodinates, but to him as well.

"Sorry, sir..."

A moment of silence follows.

"I understand why you feel the need to hurt yourself."

"Yeah, right."

"I do, and I'm not judging you for that, sir. On the contrary, I have always admired your will to sacrifice yourself for the war." Price offers him a friendly smile "But you don't have to feel regret anymore, now it is your chance: if we reach our goals you will get to contribute and save the day like you always knew you could."

Seeing him grunt ambiguosly, Price gathers the courage to gently place a hand on his shoulder, making sure to pierce him with an adoring enough look to capture his aching soul before he can think to reject that contact.

"You will honour your wife's legacy. She would have wanted to make this galaxy safe for mankind...For Agent Carolina."

The Director gulps at the mention of his daughter, this is so delightfully easy! He's so sensitive, so helpless, so fascinating already, Price wonders how much more he'd be starstruck if only the Director let him in...

"You just have to keep going. The world needs you, sir." he continues "It was you who said that the fragments were a huge discovery after reading my paper."

"They are." the Director's tone is stern again, he is clearly uncomfortable with how personal this conversation has become "We should make more."

"That's the spirit." Price smiles, knowing what heart strings to tug "We can kill two birds with one stone."

"Two birds with one stone?" the Director echoes "What are you talking about?"

"Harming yourself physically might come with complications we cannot afford to deal with, but fragmenting the Alpha on the other hand..." he slowly flutters his eyelashes "Not only it will allow you to experience the same chemical releases, it can also serve as a form of exposure therapy that will improve your health gradually. Soon you will feel much better."

Funnily enough, the Director is not convinced. That 'they are, we should make more' is blatantly meant to convince himself rather than anyone else. He already committed crimes, he already messed up irreversibly, there will be no mercy when the law finds out whether he stops or not. Besides his broken, foolish heart is holding onto the delusion that Allison can be brought back at some point.

Oh, but the fragments really are a huge discovery. An astonishing progress in the discipline that should be documented in books, yet another demonstration that science is a crucial factor in granting mankind a future.

All those years of being scolded, being told that all he was capable of doing was damaging others, quickly erased by something that can save the world, it is Price's revenge on stigmatization, on everyone that treated him with suspicion just because of four letters next to his name...And he gets to achieve it next to this beautifully, beautifully broken man that gives him every asset, every variable, every prey, every toy he ever wanted to play with!

"I will be there to make sure we are doing this safely. I promise I will take care of you, sir. You know that I have everyone's best interest at heart and that you can trust me, right?"

A sigh.

"Of course."

"Very well, then. We can discuss the details in depth, create a scene that accomodates all your needs, alright?" which, to Price, feels way more sexual than it sounds.

"Alright..."

"And, sir? Thank you for allowing me to be part of this." an evil smirk can't help but creep at the corner of his lips "It's an honour to save the world with you."

Seeing that memory fills Price with a sense of warmth. He truly does miss the Director, as much as his antics could get annoying he was undeniably special, and gave him so much...The only moments when Price felt at home were during Project Freelancer, doing what he does best. He's still resentful about the Director ratting him out and sacrificing him for his own sake, but lately more than ever he wishes he was here with him.

Yes, the abuse is mutual. Mutual abuse is consent and consent is love. Or at least, this is the only type of love that life allowed Price to experience.

"I would have helped him stop self harming, but he wouldn't let me in." is his excuse.

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MEMORY SHARE ※ 1

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cw abuse, medical malpractice, self harm mention