wildestlogs | MEMORY SHARE ※ 1

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MEMORY SHARE ※ 1

MEMORY SHARE

It's during a pause in their day. A nap. An idle moment looking out from the gardens at the landscape passing by below. Taking a moment to catch their breath after a jog in one of the castle's larger magic rooms.

The squad is suddenly connected. Mental pathways locking together, they're forced into one another's innermost beings. Thrust into one another's memory palaces where the mind collects and stores everything that makes them who they are. The core of their beings are only a few steps away and no one can prevent the link.

To make matters worse, it comes with no explanation or no ability to pull out and stop. Once they're through the first memory, perhaps they can find a way out, but they're already witnessing some event from their host's past. And, if they left, who knows whether or not they'd end up accidentally invading another memory palace?

And if they were there, who was in theirs?

[ooc: So, how this works: the memories can either be viewed in spectator mode or the guest can be experiencing everything themselves. The person whose memories are being shown, the host, can watch as their current self or take the form they had of their past self. They can also be invisible until the memory is finished. They can talk about the memory with the "guest" that's visiting.

They cannot control the first memory shown, the player decides that, but they can sometimes control any other memories they'd like to show people after. Of course, there's also always the option of an extreme emotional reaction bringing up other memories unbidden.]

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"We were going to save everyone, he cared, he--"

Price's eyes get watery. He acts like this is different from the issue with the case worker, but isn't. The only difference is that the Director let him play to his heart's content, but he did the same. Of course, the fact that things didn't go how they were supposed to let Price some room to be in denial, to believe that if everything went well the Director wouldn't have sacrificed him.

"He is better than what they say he is."

Dan doesn't change expression or give any resistance to Price's insistence. He's in a loser's position. If he says nice things about the Director, he'll be rightly accused of lying. If he disparages him, he'll be attacked.

Better to just stay neutral.

"I wouldn't know. I don't got much to judge him on."

Oh, no. It's all coming up. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry--

Price turns around so that Dan can't see his face, cries quietly. Silently begs whatever is controlling this not to let Dan think this is a manipulation, not to be his usual fake good samaritan, but also not to leave him there. Basically he doesn't know what he wants.

When was the last time he cried, was it when he tried to jump off the roof? Or maybe there was another instance after. Either case, way too recently. He's so stupid, he managed to bottle everything up so easily for a decade and then he's been just...Feeling things nonstop, like a baby. The brain damage only accentuated that.

He's so afraid to be in pain when Dan is around, now, because Dan will find a way to make it his own, and everyone will blame him for that. The letter he wrote to Jennifer says it best, Dan makes him feel like he's drowning. The way Dan acts like he's just making things up when pointing out the problem is driving him insane.

"This is all just a game to you."

Edited 2022-04-17 08:33 (UTC)

Dan lets Price have his space to cry, and slowly sets himself down on the ground, wrapping his arms around his shins. He sighs and rubs his forehead against his knee.

"If it were a game, I'd have quit playing a long time ago." Dan doesn't see how Price can think that Dan's getting any satisfaction out of this. Dan can't remember the last time he felt positively about anything he and Price did together, felt anything besides wariness and exhaustion and hurt.

Price clenches his fists. It's not fair, it's too much. Doesn't Dan remember that time when they were travelling, when they met in that house and Price offered to help him process his emotions? He could have hurt him there and then, and gotten away with it, but he didn't. He resisted the urge because he knew he was capable of doing a good thing, and he did. He was trying so hard to be good, but Dan was merely pretending to support him, just sticking around to get some collateral damage to be sad about, because it's easier to feel sad about that.

If Dan is so emotionally intelligent, then he should understand that taking advantage of someone like that, especially by offering love to someone who not only was never loved but will die without ever being loved, is extremely cruel and painful. It's so easy to cry wolf when you are a wolf in sheep clothing yourself.

"You should have, but you never learn." he turns around, tears still on his face, but he's proud about what he's about to say, because it's a harsh fact "Even if you get away with what you do to me, you paid for what you did to your daughter, and I'm glad you did, because you deserved it."

Edited 2022-04-18 11:09 (UTC)

Dan saw that coming; unlike last time, this time he's braced for Price to lunge for the nearest weak spot he can see. Dan's grief over El is a raw, open, festering wound, and anyone looking to hurt Dan would target that first if they wanted to sink their claws in.

So he saw it coming and braced for it, already prepared in his head that nothing Price says is real. Price doesn't know anything about El aside from less than five minutes of fractured memory, doesn't know how she died, doesn't know how much Dan had to fail her to get her to that point. Price is just lashing out, as he always does.

"Yeah?" Dan asks dispassionately, staring off into space. "What is it you think I did to my daughter?"

"You were so desperate to fill that hole inside of you that you brainwashed her into thinking you are a good parent, you used her for your scams, and acted like she could use what she had to help you." Price usually wouldn't be so confident without the details, but if that little girl really is anything like him then everyone saw her as an inconvenience rather than a child who needed help "You knew how people would have seen her and you pretended to be different just so that you could feel better. You told yourself you were worried about her but she was too much work for you, wasn't she? The only reason why you don't think you are happy that she died is that you are addicted to her, and now whenever you want to hurt yourself in any way you are still sucking the pain out of her, you're still using her long after she died."

He doesn't think that this is 100% true, but it doesn't have to be for it to be a valid point.

"Of course, it's your word against mine and nobody will believe me, so you win...For now. Will you call them crazy when someone else sees what I see? Will you make sure your friends silence them? What will you do?"

Edited 2022-04-19 10:00 (UTC)

Dan knows Price is spinning out, throwing anything at him that he can think of, pulling out every stop with the psychobabble and vitriol, and so most of it just moves through Dan and away. It's like watching a movie, watching all this happening to someone else, like Price is drawing up charts and graphs of the flaws that a total stranger has.

There are parts that sting, but they don't hit as hard as they would if Dan believed Price knew anything worthwhile about the situation. Price doesn't know about how Dan spent years pushing back against Eliora's desire to go into the field. He doesn't know about how hard Dan spun out after she died.

Dan did feel a slight relief when El died and couldn't hurt anyone anymore. He'll never forgive himself for that. But it was buried in the avalanche of grief that smothered his soul.

"I never asked anyone to confront you, Counselor. I don't mind control folks. I don't ask people to pick fights on my behalf." Dan keeps his voice even and unemotional. "Shockingly, I don't enjoy grieving, and feeling sad that someone's dead ain't fucking malicious."

He can't help but swear at the end. If Price wants to portray every bit of connection to other people as a selfish con, as a performative display, then Dan can't stop him - but it means that no matter what Dan's seen, there's no point in continuing to try and offer that connection to Price.

"...Of course you are going to act like that."

It's not that hard to comprehend that dismissing someone that has a complaint is the perfect way to enrage them, yet Dan keeps going. Price is so tired of being patronized when he tries to bring it up nicely and being punished when he gets mad about it. He is almost afraid to think of happened whenever Dan's daughter had an issue with him. How couldn't he be afraid? He knows what happens to 'bad' kids.

"But I'm tired of you getting away with it." he pulls the knife, but doesn't point it in Dan's direction "I'm tired of everyone getting away with it."

“Act like what?” Dan sighs. “You’re baiting me and I ain’t rising to it. That’s all I’m doing.”

He raises an eyebrow at the knife. Exactly what Price pulled on Bunny, but Dan has no desire to broadcast this scene to anyone.

“You know I can disarm you.” Dan isn’t that much bigger than Price - maybe an inch taller, maybe twenty pounds heavier, maybe less now that Dan’s losing weight without access to high-calorie alcohol and candy all the time - but Dan’s confident scrapping with his hands. He held his own against Guts in a sparring match. He’s covered in scars from fights he survived, not lost.

"I know...But you shouldn't." with hands shaking, he brings the knife to his own throat "Please let me have this. I have been wanting this for so long..."

A gulp as he feels the cold blade on his neck, squeezing his eyes closed.

"Please don't let the others find me, if you can. A-although I suppose it's alright if you do."

Price takes a deep breath. It's visible that he's preparing to do it for real, but his shaking hands accidentally drop the knife and it's like his eyes crack open. He looks down at it, and falls to his knees, with a lost expression. He'd restart crying, but nothing seems to come out.

Edited 2022-04-20 20:07 (UTC)

When Dan sees what Price is about to do, he lurches forward. He snatches the knife off the ground and secretes it up his sleeve so quickly it's like it vanishes, and then he jumps back giving Price space.

He doesn't think Price was serious, but he's not about to take chances. Price cried wolf once by threatening to jump off the Rig. It's a manipulation tactic that got a reaction out of Dan last time. It works here too, but not by engendering sympathy.

Dan knows well what it's like to stand at that edge. He only ever steps back because he finds lower ledges to vault off of, swapping certain death for just the risk of death, swapping suicide for drug abuse, for rushing into danger, for the plausible deniability of saying I was just taking chances. He fully believes Price has been at that edge too, might even be at that edge now.

But he's not the one to fix it. He's tired of being placed in the position where Price demands he fix it and then punishes him for not meeting some insane and obscure expectations. He's tired of being Price's punching bag.

"Let's just not talk or do anything until these memories are over," he says, firm, even annoyed. There's an edge of exhaustion in his tone. "You got another knife you want to pull, I'll take that one from you too, but I ain't got no interest in you continuing to take out everything in your life on me."

Everything in Price's sad, tortured life.

Edited 2022-04-20 20:13 (UTC)

Price nods at the request. He consciously holds back from flinching at that last remark. He knows what Dan means, but he can't help but think that opening up was a mistake. Yes, he'll keep avoiding Dan, avoiding anything that can trigger him. He needs a weapon if he wants to defend himself, but that knife has felt tempting too many times.

"Fine."

He looks up at the memoryscape, waiting for it to do its twisted games once more.

And do the twisted game it does; they're back in Dan's memories, back in that cramped car, and he's petting her hair and letting her cry into his bunched-up flannel. The clothes Dan's wearing are the same ones he changed into in the last memory, the one where he was burying a corpse, but El's changed into an extra-large t-shirt that serves as pajamas.

"I didn't mean to," El sobs. "I get so mad-"

"I know, baby." Dan gives her a squeeze.

"What happens if they find the body?" She crumples her fist in the flannel.

Dan sighs, then rolls down the window all the way so the night air can come in. He unwraps his arm from around her and pulls his lighter and a pack of cigarettes out, lights up, exhales through his nose out the window as he clearly thinks it over. "If they find the body, I'll plead to murder. But they ain't going to find it."

"You can't plead to murder. You can't go to prison. What's going to happen to me if you go to prison?" El starts to sob harder.

"Hey, hey." Dan squeezes her shoulder. "They ain't going to find nothing. You think I ain't gotten real good at disposing of a body by now? I've...I been doing this a long time, with messier situations than you made."

El nods, hiccuping.

"Here's what we do," Dan says, taking another drag. "We haul ass up north. We strip the carpet out of this car and I'll replace it. We steal us some new clothes. I get the Agency to give us new papers. I got rid of the head and the hands so ain't no one going to identify body even if they do find it, and they won't, because Nevada's a big-ass state and don't no one go out there in the desert. We'll be okay."

El nods and wraps her arms around Dan's waist.

"Hey, it's almost breakfast time. What do you say we find somewhere with ice cream sundaes?" He sits up and rakes his hand through his hair.

"You're going to give yourself diabetes," El mumbles.

"Yeah, and I'm going to earn every bit of my diabetes. Come on, we might could even find a diner that does orange creamsicle floats." He opens the car door. "Your favorite. Come on. We done moped enough for one night, and I need coffee if I'm going to drive us up to Idaho."

El forces a smile, then sighs and climbs into the passenger seat. "I want sweet potato fries too."

It makes the real Dan flinch. It's like the magic of this world is rubbing in Price's face the comfort that he didn't have. It's like the magic of this world wants to rub in his face the grief he can't let go of.

Edited 2022-04-20 21:57 (UTC)

Price watches the memory silently - no matter how enraging it is when it backfires, giving in and complying is easy. There is some faint curiosity in his eyes, like he's trying to understand something. The situation being depicted is not normal by any means, but there is something right with it. He feels like he could point at them and say 'you two are a family', even though they are messed up. It's not the lack of horror that defines a family, then.

His expression stays blank, but he's secretly trying to get some joy out of this. Not schadenfreude or sadism, regular joy, because somehow all those odd and concerning scenes from Dan's past give him somewhat of an opportunity to know what a family is. His eyes sparkle in contained awe.

Perhaps because Price is picking up on the closeness, the camaraderie, Dan's memory shifts to his blood relatives, all his brothers and sisters with him gathered around a campfire with a beat-up van pulled up next to it. Many of the kids have blood spattered on their shabby clothing. Their mood is jovial, at least, even while a young version of Dan is busy applying stitches to the youngest, a girl shy of seven, on her arm.

"Just for tonight, because we're celebrating," the oldest girl says, passing a bottle of whiskey around to her siblings and smoking a cigarette. "And let's take a moment to praise Tabby for her sharpshooting!"

A pre-teen girl takes a bow and does a twirl, and the rest of the kids holler and applaud. One of the boys ducks behind the van to change out of bloody clothes, and teenage Dan comes with him, leaving the little girl eating a candybar and snuggled up with her big sister.

"You did great out there, Eli. Dad would be proud." Young Dan strips off his shirt and tosses it into the back of the van, rooting through a van that's clearly got all the possessions this family owns - including a rack of firearms - until he finds shirts for himself and his little brother.

"Yeah, I did that breathing trick he taught me, you know, exhale in two parts on the trigger-pull. Real came in handy." A fleeting solemn look passes Eli's face, then passes. "Do you really think we can break the curse?"

"We rid the whole of East Texas from crocottas. We got to have some good luck coming our way. We deserve a break." Dan pats Eli on the shoulder. "Come on. We'll go together, just you and me, to pick up the hoodoo tomorrow morning. When was the last time we got some quality moments away from the whole clan?"

"It just feels too good to be true," Eli says. "But now that I say that out loud, I don't want to be someone who says that about things."

"Ain't nothing too good to be true." Dan holds out a pack of cigarettes to Eli, and the two of them sit on the bed of the van as they button up their flannels. "You can have one. I won't tell Kitty."

The real Dan sits on the ground, rubbing his temples, trying not to look at the faces of these children he saw die.

'Ain't nothing too good to be true' sounds like a very odd take to Price, and he visibly tilts his head when he hears it. Most things are too good to be true, actually. Probably Dan himself thinks something similar.

Price's eyes dart to Dan for a moment, worried, as if to make sure that he's reacting properly and not making him angry. Yes, Dan is not prone to anger, but he is not an exception worth not applying the rule for. Hell, Price half wishes he was properly mad at him, it's a dangerous behaviour he's used to experiencing as opposed to...Whatever it is that Dan does. Then again, Price not so subtly asked Bunny to hit him during their argument, so...There's that.

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MEMORY SHARE ※ 1

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cw referenced suicidal behaviour? (y'know, the fake attempt etc)

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tw suicidal ideation/attempt

[cw: suicide talk]

Re: [cw: suicide talk]

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